marching

here i am.

home on a friday night.

WHO WOULD HAD THOUGHT?!

not me.

i've been traveling a lot lately.

and doing a lot of very. not selfish things, exactly. but. things for me. i've been doing things for the growth of me. or, for the undersanding of me. i think i need to understand before i grow.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

like my last [emo] entry, i was saying, i'm a screw up.

i am.

but i am figuring out, that a screw up is some cases is a lot harder to do then to do what is perfect.

putting my foot down, raising my voice, and getting fired, is hard.

it is.

and it has gotten me fired up to do what i need to do.

i am verbal. sometimes more then people want. but someones gotta do it. so i gotta use my voice.

i am emo. or rather, have feelings. so damn it, show them.

i don't get what i believe in half the time. but thats okay. i know i'm not the only one.

whats the hardest though is finding acceptance. while i know not everyone agrees with what i'm doing, i gotta push through. this is the time that i have He and He only to lean on. i can't help that my parents don't approve. but that doesn't mean someday that wont change.

i am thankful. i am thankful.

and now, i gotta start marching.

Blessed is the man who always fears the LORD, but he who hardens his heart falls into trouble.

screw up

i screw up.

a lot.

like, i do things and i think "why can't i just be that good girl that people think i am when they first meet me? life would be so much easier!" but there is this weird thing inside me that makes me put my neck out there and say things when people rather not hear me. but i can't help it! I CAN'T. and i want to. because i want to be that perfect cute christian girl from a good family. but i'm not. i have hair that i don't care about (somehow my hair has something that defines me, idk why people just always talk to me about it). i sin daily. scratch that. i sin multiple times daily. all the time. like, its a habbit of mine to sin. like, that's who i am. and my good family really doesn't own me anymore. if that makes sense.

so pretty much, i'm the greasy haired bad girl who hates family..

any takers?!

seriously.

i eff up a lot.

and the thing is, i don't know if i regret much of it.

ariel view

while driving to church today i suddenly felt like a sore thumb as i drove through the city in my church as i started to look and wait and realize: i'm the only one with a truck.

now, i'm not that girl who thinks she is all baddd assss and so hottzzz and TOUGH because she drives a truck. i really don't think about it much, i've driven it for years, and well, most of the girls back home drive 'em too.

but today it got me thinking if i really am a city girl, or if i am just trying to be a city girl. i think that is why i titled this weird faux xanga thing "citylauri".

i really don't know. JE NE SAIS PAS.

i know chicago isn't like any other city. but today i wondered, from an ariel view from God or his...idk....angles....and my grandpa. do i stick out like a sore thumb and are they looking down on me saying "oh lauri, you'll learn. you'll learn that this isn't your home."

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so tell me friends. what is a home? my apartment? it's pretty damn cozy. but its still really lonely. my family? i see them 3 times a year. my friends? where. a dog? HA. nature? what? church? sleep? work? school? yeah, there is a thought process there, and i really don't know what is it all suppose to add up to.

i dont know if i like people reading my thoughts. i use to trust people way more then i do now.